How To Recognize An Absorbing Relationship

An influential American social journalist named Walter Winchell had a maxim: “never above you, never below you, always by your side.” It seems logical, but it is not always the case. In fact, in an absorbing relationship there is a clear asymmetry in the relational dynamics. 

It is normal that day by day you spend a lot of time with your partner or even thinking about her, but what is not so healthy is to invade the personal space of the other and have almost no personal life due to the constant demands as occurs in this type of relationship .

However, there are people who do not realize that they are immersed in an absorbing relationship because they assume certain behaviors as normal. For them, the loss of intimacy and individuality is associated with the love felt for the other person. For this reason, here are some warning signs.

Loss of autonomy

Eliana Heresi, doctor and academic at the UDP faculty of psychology, the first sign that leads us to recognize an absorbing relationship is the loss of autonomy. Although in the initial stage of falling in love it can be normal, once this phase is overcome, one begins to come out of said isolation.

If a couple does not pass this phase, they begin to close their borders and end up isolating themselves from the rest. In principle, those involved do not perceive it, but sooner or later they discover a certain social isolation and the deterioration of their individual relationships.

On the other hand, Heresi affirms that a person needs a certain degree of individuality within the couple. That is to say, it has to maintain its social relationships and its ties in various fields. If this is missed, the individual becomes more prone to abuse and receives less information from the medium. In this way jealousy, conflicts with relationships with third parties and the decrease in social and family relationships are born.

Asymmetric ratio

Another of the most striking aspects that we have to look at to identify an absorbing relationship is asymmetry. The existence of a dominant role by one of the members of the couple or even both, depending on the situation, prevents personal development and favors situations of dependency, manipulation or abuse. An example of asymmetry would be the need for approval and confirmation of the other so that life has meaning.

A healthy relationship stands out for being symmetrical, that is, both components are observed as pairs. If one of them is above the other, this symmetry is lost. However, it is difficult to recognize, since in many cases it is confused with love, instead of control or jealousy, as is usual.

Failed attempts to regain independence

Another sign that indicates an absorbing relationship is the attempt to regain the independence of one of the members of the couple and the refusal on the part of the other to achieve that end. 

Being aware of an absorbing bond is not easy at all. Although  you can always become aware despite the fears, conflicts and problems that may arise. However, one of the people may not be willing to deal with the problems that arise when trying to get out of this situation. In fact, the most common reaction is often to become defensive, unable to acknowledge mistakes or reflect on the relationship.

In this context, expanding friendships and social relationships can be a good thing for both parties. It can be as simple as having coffee with a co-worker or family member.

Fear to loneliness

This is another of the clues that we can identify in an absorbing relationship. The fear of being left alone if the partner leaves us can cause this type of dynamics to be perpetuated.

Generally, these fears stem from past experiences. They may have occurred within the same couple or in previous relationships. But be that as it may, they generate insecurity and underlie the bond with the other person.

In these cases, communication is necessary, but you have to be very careful and choose the moment, the words and the tone of the conversation well. However, sometimes the reasons for this behavior are so ingrained that professional help is needed.