Emotional Debts

Emotional debts have an effect similar to material debts : they distress, generate guilt and become a burden that hinders life. The difference is that while financial debts are specific and have agreed terms, emotional debts are generally the result of fantasies and, therefore, are confusing and misleading.

An emotional debt appears when you commit to yourself or others to do something and then you cannot comply. Sometimes that commitment is explicit: you say out loud that you will. But other times, the debt is configured in an unconscious way and you are not even clear whether or not you should comply with something that you know they expect of you, but that in practice you never promised to do.

The truth is that once you accept, consciously or unconsciously, that you “owe something” in emotional terms, a permanent self-demand takes shape for you to comply. And if you don’t, as often happens, messages that point to you and torment you permanently seep into you, making you feel guilty.

You tell yourself that you “have a pending account” in different ways,  and this can even become a powerful force that conditions your actions and prevents you from being and achieving what you want.

The different emotional debts

Emotional debts can originate in unfinished situations that, for one reason or another, have been in an ellipsis. An example of this is when you have said something offensive, unfair or hurtful to a person you love and that person suddenly disappears.

This sudden disappearance can be the cause of death or because the person decides to move away from you without you being able to do anything. Then you are left with the disappointment of not having had the opportunity to ask for his forgiveness, or explain your behavior, or make amends.

There are other types of more complex and imperceptible emotional debts, which originate in those commitments that are implicitly acquired with others or with oneself. Perhaps as a child you thought that you could be a great doctor and save many lives. That was your dream. But you grew up and your life took another course. The dream was “soaked”, but currently you are haunted by the idea that you have let yourself down, that you betrayed an essential mission of your existence.

It also happens that the father, mother or another figure with whom you have a very close emotional bond, establish the commitment. Perhaps it was someone else who wanted you to be that great doctor, or a magnificent dancer, or a successful athlete. But you followed other goals and, anyway, something inside you worries you and leads you again and again to think that you are “in debt” to those beloved figures.

Finally, emotional debt can also stem from negative or traumatic experiences for you. For example, you suffered an affront when you were at school: a group of classmates “bullied” you and you did not react. Over the years, you reproach yourself for not standing up for yourself and you feel indebted to yourself.

There is no debt that is not paid …

The popular adage indicates that “there is no deadline that is not met, and no debt that is not paid.” This also applies to emotional debt. When you accept that you owe someone something, consciously or unconsciously, you will find a way to pay. It is as if you are “in fault” or “in sin” and this will translate into a series of negative feelings and perceptions about yourself.

Emotional debt easily turns into sadness for no apparent reason to feel it. Or in anxiety: a vague anguish, which is unknown where it comes from and which, in any case, remains latent within you.

You can also become irritable, pessimistic, or envious. Or the kind of people who are angry all the time and who, at the same time, are ashamed of doing and not doing, of saying and not saying. In short: there are multiple ways in which an unresolved debt seeps into your life.

If there is an accumulation of emotional debt, there will also be an accumulation of sadness, anger, resentment, or anguish. If you feel invaded by negative feelings, but you can’t explain why or why you find they do not satisfy you, it is worth doing an examination of the possible emotional debts that you have in your life.

Is there a situation that did not have a concrete closure? Any expression of affection, rejection, or indignation that got you choked? Are there fantasies about what you could have been, or what you should have done, that , however, you did not comply?

Those and other similar questions are what you should ask yourself. If you identify specific situations that have led you to feel emotional debt, what you should do is settle the accounts. Remedy concretely what is possible and repair symbolically what is impossible to change.