How To Handle An Unexplained Breakout (ghosting)

Many of us let someone dwell in our hearts on one condition: that they don’t break anything. We take action and warn, but they still do it and catch us off guard. It occurs when there is, for example, a rupture without explanation, when from one day to the next they throw magic powders and disappear as entities from beyond, without a ” we have to talk”, “I’ll call you later” or “I’m sorry, this is is over”.

They say that all broken people are made up of poorly resolved stories. That somehow, most of us drag unfinished business that oscillate in our minds, evoking uncomfortable chinks of that past that still stings. Now, sometimes the subject is more complicated. Because more than being made up of poorly resolved chapters, what is in us are stories without an ending, shadows of people who left us overnight without giving a reason.

We know that the subject is not new. In the United States, accustomed to giving a label to each trait, behavior or dynamic, they call it “ghosting”. That act of vanishing from someone’s life – with which until not long ago an affective bond was maintained – is something more than recurrent, to the point that, on average, we all get (on average) one or two ghost disappearances. Or worse yet, we may even be the ones to carry out this behavior.

Thus, and although it is often said that leaving someone without giving an explanation is a masculine art, we must consider a couple of aspects. Abandoning without giving a reason is not an art, it is inconsideration and a trait of immaturity. Also, this act is not exclusively male. Men and women carry it out, and more so in this age of new technologies where it is possible to end a relationship with a single click  and / or a simple block.

An unexplained breakup and the fruitless search for why

There is no written law that tells us before you leave someone, you have to tell them why . Nobody forces us to that final conversation, to list one by one the reasons for our decision, for the change. Nor have we signed a contract that requires us to explain why the heart no longer beats in the same way or why the illusion has expired.

That’s right, nobody governs the rules of what should or should not be done in an emotional relationship. However, there is the sense of ethics, of moral and affective respect, there is maturity and courage. Therefore, and since these types of principles do not come from the factory, but in parenting, there are many people who must face a rupture without explanation and what that entails.

Despite the fact that there is not much clinical literature on all those psychological processes that the abandoned person usually experiences, it can be said that they almost always concur in the same dynamics. They are as follows:

• The person is unable to take the relationship as finished. As there is no clear explanation, he enters into an unsuccessful dynamic to regain contact, to arrange a meeting. All this leads to greater anxiety, despair and the impossibility of closing this stage.
• It is not the same to leave a relationship knowing the cause that originated it than to be abandoned overnight for no reason. Doubts, the attempt to rationalize the irrational, often leads the person to feel guilty. To think that he or she is the reason for that abandonment.
• The period of mourning can last for months and not even end. That open wound, that permanent doubt creates a void where resentment, frustration and mistrust begin to settle. This makes it very difficult to start new relationships or that they are of quality.

How to handle an unexplained breakup?

There are no abandonments without reasons. Unexplained ruptures occur more frequently than we think and it is necessary to know how to handle them, respond to them and most importantly: survive them. Let’s see some guidelines that can help us in these cases.

Accept the evidence

Calls that are not answered, messages that are not returned. Social profiles blocked. Days that turn into weeks where there is no communication, no contact, and even less presence. Contacts, friends and family of that person who avoid us and give us excuses …

We could consider more clues, but the evidence supporting the idea of ​​abandonment and breakup is clear. Let’s avoid lengthening the inevitable and proceed to accept what has happened: a goodbye that we have to say for the other in the face of their silence.

Validate yourself

They will tell you that “turn the page”, “assume it”, “forget that person”. Well, this will all come a little later. The first and most necessary step is to validate ourselves and what we feel. It is time to acknowledge the wound, to cry, to express that pain and to rediscover that fragmented being.

Let it happen and let it flow.

Take responsibility

Try as we may, it will not always be possible to make an appointment with that person to give us a why. And that is something we must assume: we will be forced to shape a duel with no final conversation. We are going to have to give ourselves a resolution to that chapter, and for this we must combine courage and responsibility.

• Responsibility above all to ourselves. Because if they have left us, the last thing we should do is abandon ourselves. We must take back the reins and understand that we are 100% responsible for our own recovery. There is no going back, no more trying to contact, begging for a new appointment or devising plans to coincide with who has left us.

Time and work: pain and anger management

If there is one thing that remains after a breakup without explanation, it is pain and anger. We must understand that these two dimensions do not vanish on their own with the passage of time. They are resistant, embedded and can completely condition our lives.

Let us learn, therefore, to handle them. To do this, it is advisable to start new activities, use the support of friends and family, start projects that excite us and that allow us to channel those complex emotions that undermine identities and veto new happiness.

Focus on the present moment to heal

Whoever is facing an unexplained rupture lives anchored in the past and in the conditional tense. What would have happened if instead of that he had done the other? What if I had said this? Why didn’t I realize what…? “

This type of reasoning is a source of undoubted suffering.

• To get around this repetitive pain and move forward in our duel, it is necessary to leave a space for the present. Facing the current moment with openness, resilience and dignity will allow us to break that bond of pain that anchors us to the past.

Finally, we have one more task. Make our current suffering a constructive learning. It is clear that few pains are as deep as the wound of abandonment, however, our human potential can allow us to get out of it. We can survive that rupture without explanation, we can continue because we have tools for it.