Must I Forgive To Heal?

Forgiving is not an easy challenge. In fact, it tends to get more complicated the closer the person who has caused the damage is and the deeper it is. Today we want to go a little deeper and try to answer a question: is it necessary to forgive to heal? 

In reality, for many strategies or ideas that we may come up with, there is no universal manual for repairing wounds. Neither those that we cause, nor those that cause us. On the other hand, and in the same context, there is pain: sometimes of such intensity that it prevents progress towards forgiveness or the construction of a story that allows us to rebuild the skin.

Forgive, what is it about?

If we go to the most exact meaning of the word forgive, we can cite the Royal Spanish Academy that defines it as ‘said of those who have been harmed by it: remit the debt, offense, fault, crime or something else’.

On the other hand, beyond semantics, forgiveness is lived and conceived in different ways in each culture, even the same person, at different stages of their life, can work with different meanings of the term.

On the other hand, this action is associated with a form of relief for both parties; It has even been considered therapeutic. Many of the people who manage to reach the milestone, report with forgiveness, they have achieved the release of a great burden.

Forgive to heal as an obligation

In certain societies or groups the idea is projected that forgiveness as a virtue that even, due to its qualities, becomes a kind of duty. Thus, the fact that in some contexts drag the character of obligation makes many people appear to grant or achieve it, cutting off the natural process itself. Thus, the false projection of forgiveness ends up becoming an obstacle to granting it, reaching it or receiving it.

If we think about situations that most would find difficult to assume, for example, a violation, perhaps it is easier to understand why it can cost so much to forgive. Now, if a person who has suffered because of this fact feels obliged to forgive, they may even feel guilty for not doing so.

Thus, forgiving would not always be a healing if what it does is prolong suffering over time. Therefore, we could rethink when forgiveness is timely.

Forgive to heal as a choice

On the other hand, if forgiving is more aimed at a sincere choice, even in those situations that we believe it is unimaginable to achieve forgiveness.

How could it be possible? If we see forgiveness as an act of letting go, not exclusively of reconciliation. For we can let go of resentment and anger, or express it, feeling that we forgive what happened and visualizing it as learning. But if we see it as an act of reconciliation, it is more complex to apply it to all situations.

Furthermore, we are within our right to take the time to forgive and not to forgive, and even to heal without this action. Not all healing implies forgiveness. For example, resilience helps us overcome situations that caused us great pain.

Now, if we want to work on forgiveness or explore deeply how it is conceived, there are books that can help. An example would be The Seven Steps of Forgiveness  by Daniel Lumera which shows us what the authentic meaning of forgiveness is.

In addition, if it is difficult for us to do so, we can resignify the experiences. That is, give them a meaning that is healthier for us. Thus, we promote learning and we are in tune with who we are, without having to force it.

In short, forgiving to heal is a matter that depends on each one of us, on the perception we have about forgiveness, the beliefs associated with it that we have, the society in which we live, what we have learned, etc. If you add steps for our well-being, go ahead!