Tell Me How You Educate And I Will Tell You What Kind Of Child You Will Have

“You have the same character as your father!”, “You scream just like your mother!”, “His parents were also very shy.” Phrases like these show that  the parents are the first role models for their children and have a great influence on the development of his personality.

Children, from the time they are small, imitate the behaviors of their parents and they have the valuable task of showing them and teaching them behaviors and habits that favor and benefit them in their future. This task is not easy, since many parents, with the best of their intentions, can instill non- adaptive behavior patterns or that have negative consequences on the child’s social-emotional development.

In this article we are going to describe some of the existing parenting educational styles and their psychological impact on children.

The authoritarian style

Parents, characterized by using an authoritarian educational pattern, impose the rules on their children without previously explaining why they put them on or what sense they make. If the children break the rules, they are punished in a very exaggerated way, in which the fact punished with the punishment does not agree or make sense.

When they are punished, they also do not give explanations to justify the punishment, as if the son had to magically guess what he has done wrong and why it is wrong. Let us remember that children have to be educated and they have to learn and to learn, you first have to explain certain things to them. On the other hand, they little or nothing reinforce the behaviors that are appropriate, claiming that “it is their duty.” The consequence is that the son hardly values ​​what he does well because his parents do not reward him, which in turn causes the behavior to be repeated less and less frequently.

They also do not talk much with their children or are too affectionate with them. As they hardly dialogue, they do not know their children, what interests them or what they like and this causes the children to feel little valued and even rejected.

On many occasions they use physical punishment, something that makes the child know that what he has done is not correct, but without teaching him what is correct, with which he learns absolutely nothing. Well, yes, he learns that hitting solves problems, which is not positive for his learning or for his development.

The child will grow up and become a submissive adult concerned about “what will they say”, about appearances and about the rejection of others. Self-esteem will be low because you will not have the ability to value yourself. It can also generate aggressive behaviors because his parents have taught him “that with a heavy hand they fix things.” They are people prone to sadness, depression with few social skills.

The permissive style

Quite the opposite of the previous one. These parents give their children a lot of affection and maintain good communication with them, but it is the child who handles the parents at will. The needs and interests of the child are ahead of those of the parents. Children never get a “no” for an answer and if they do, they are so insistent that their parents eventually give in, which makes the children know their parents’ weak point and manipulate them to get their wishes. They lack norms and limits and if there are, they are diffuse and are not well followed. Their beliefs are of the type “if I demand a lot from my son, he could get frustrated and that would be detrimental to his mental health”.

This thinking error makes the parents become satellites, all the time around the child solving every problem or circumstance that he encounters: “Shall I put your coat on?” “Shall I make your bed?” “Do you want me to make you a snack?”

They do not teach their children to solve their own problems or make their own decisions, with which children grow up as insecure and fearful people who need another person to help them walk through life because that is what they have become accustomed to. They tend to have low self-esteem because they do not feel competent or capable of managing the world alone.

They will lack self-control because they have always done what they wanted and it will also cost them a lot to get involved in the world of work and persist in it, since they have always done everything. They will have a low tolerance for frustration since no one has ever said “no” to them and the day someone tells them, they are not able to tolerate it.

The democratic style

Parents who use the democratic style show great doses of affection and affection. They use a lot of dialogue with their children, taking an interest in their tastes, interests and needs. They know how to set coherent limits and stay firm in them, without giving in to the first change. They reinforce the adaptive behaviors of their children such as eating alone, putting on clothes alone, doing homework …

They do not use physical punishment but rather use methods with which the child can learn that his actions have consequences and, just as it is at home, it will be in his future life. They give children consistent responsibilities at their age so that they are increasingly autonomous and independent, which promotes the safety of the children and increases their self-esteem. These children will be happier and safer people.

They will know their possibilities and their limitations, which will make them trust themselves and have an optimal self-esteem. They are people with good social skills, with the capacity for dialogue and negotiation. Autonomous and independent with great self-control of behavior.

Apart from these educational styles, there are certain behaviors that we can instill in our children without even realizing it. For example, do not pretend that he is an educated person if you never say good morning, thank you or ask for please, because he is going to imitate you.

Don’t pretend he’s not a liar if when you don’t feel like talking on the phone you say “tell them I’m not home” and he witnesses this. Do not pretend that as a teenager he does not yell at you if when you scold him you are the first to yell and do not talk. Be cautious of what you do and what you say because he will follow in your footsteps.

As we have seen, education in childhood and adolescence is crucial for the psychological development of people, but it is also true that biological factors such as genetics intervene in the development of character and other influences such as peers – friends or classmates- .

However, when the child becomes an adult, they have the ability to change or unlearn, if they want to, their maladaptive behaviors and learn others that help them grow as people. Not everything is lost!